What the hell happened last time? Gambit wasn’t in it so who cares.

Opening the issue is a fanboy’s dreams. It’s a crotch shot of Rogue and Tessa. We’re not 3 lines into the issue and someone refers to Tessa as a human computer. You know what that means kids; take a shot if you’re playing the “X-Treme Drinking Game” at home.

Rogue feels the need to remind Tessa what’s happened in the past 24 hours because her mutation of having perfect memory apparently sucks. Rogue begs Tessa to help her control (sorry, “jump start”) her powers so she can be a one-woman army. Oh brother. For some reason Rogue doesn’t deck Tessa when she explains Rogue used to be a bad guy and could possibly turn on them again. Must I remind Tessa that she’s betrayed everyone she knows? Wait hey, sorry, that logic thing again.

So with the ability to control the powers she’s absorbed (notice she still can’t touch people because that would actually take character development for THAT to happen) Rogue begins destroying airplanes. In fact she shoots Cyke’s beams… though the glasses she was wearing to stop them in the first place.

AHHH!!! Why is Betsy’s statue glowing?! Could it be that some part of her is still around causing trouble? I can’t believe Claremont is toying with my heart like this.

And Vargas has just jumped from annoying to creepy. Not because I consider him a threat or anything (“I’ve got a sword, nya-nya-nya!”) but due to his sexual nature with Betsy’s statue. Hi, morbid much? Michael Jackson creepy. And Amy’s missing. Too much to hope she’s adding to the plot by making her own stand and telling her creepy brother & boss to stuff it? Or better yet killing the newbies to the X-Men?

Damnit, they’re still alive. I love how that section of the team of Bishop, Thunderbird 23, Tessa, Neal 2.0 & Baywatch can just waltzes into the base and NO ONE can figure out they’re not supposed to be there. Yes, that’s my sarcastic voice. They’re all planning to kill Gambit because he boggarted their PlayStation 2. Can you blame them? Grand Thieft Auto 3 is one addicting game.

Meanwhile Rogue embraces her inner Spice Girl and unleashes an electro-magnetic pulse… whatever that is. It takes out all the bad guy’s systems and Gambit’s force field. Um… why didn’t she do this in the beginning? I feel the itch to burn this page, but Claremont wisely put the best page on the other side. Crap.

It’s Gambit!! Yah! Er, sorry And Gambit, true to his thiefly criminal ways, has suddenly grown a martyr complex. Eh? Bishop forced Thunderbird 23 to take a shot at Gambit. Thunderbird 23; the guy who cried if he has to punch someone. Ever wonder why Bishop would make a crappy leader? There’s your answer kids. And in an event that in no way screams FORESHADOW, part of Gambit’s charged stone gets stuck in the force field that just went back up.

“Dis is not my day,” Gambit laments. Oh Gambit honey, if ONLY this arc lasted a day instead of being dragged on for 7 or 8 issues.

Rogue crash lands to Earth, drained to the limit. Coming out of a plot hole is the aussie surfer bum Neal 2.0 because the evil guys haven’t kill him yet because they’re EVIL. They want us to suffer. Rogue babbles on about wanting to do bad things to the bad guys due to them threatening Gambit [“The man I love!”]. He ponders why Rogue’s voice is so weird. The dialogue is always that bad Neal 2.0. She corrects him by explaining she was taken over by Magneto. Wait-what? Did I just read that right? So like Magneto has the hots for Gambit? This certainly puts a whole new spin on the Gambit/Rogue/Joseph triangle.

The next scene has the other X-Men talking about something, but I can’t for the life of me tell who’s who. Why do all the aliens speak English? And what the hell is an “armada”? It’s not picking it up on my spell check so I’m assuming it’s a legit word.

ANYWAY… in a feverishly clever move, they take off their helmets so the aliens can dumbly stumble upon them and figure out they’re not supposed to be there. Because that’s what it’s going to take. Baywatch now has a new look; dreads. Recall how her powers are “magic” and she can’t control them? Looks like she forgot. So of course she has to throw a hissy fit. Gee, what happened to that whole “undercover” deal? At least she decks Tessa. But I think my copy is crewed up because I’m missing the panel where she decks Thunderbird 23 for being able to speak for herself.

“Pull yourself together, Heather, we can’t succeed without you.” Huh? She hasn’t done anything yet other than complain & whine. Now the problem remains; do I keep calling her Baywatch or change the nickname to Rogue Jr.?

King Khan goes on and on about taking Slave Storm as his queen (that means sex for those of you too lazy to read between the Marvel PG lines) but he adds “As I claim you, Storm, so will I claim [your team].” Anyone else get a disturbing mental image? All the bad guys seem to have weird sexual fetishes nowadays.

Few more pages wasted on Slave Storm that adds nothing that couldn’t have been summed up in like one panel. Shaitan tried to reason with King Kahn but you know no main character in this title will have anything to do with logic. Shaitan looks a bit jealous at thought fact that Slave Storm’s got King Kahn thinking as a lover than a fighter. Talk to Smithers, Shaitain. Having a crush on your boss never leads anywhere except heartbreak.

Thunderbird 23 can’t wait for Baywatch to get out of the room because talking about her behind her back. Dude, she’s five feet away from you. On a plus side, Bishop begins to remember that him & Gambit were actually real friends (one of the two people that Bishop bonded with while during his time in the core titles) and agrees that killing him is wrong.

I can’t really bring myself to explain what they yammer on about because Claremont uses the most boring characters with the least chemistry together to try and relay the major plot points of what’s to come. But it’s something like King Kahn will give the world beauty & happiness beyond imagination but will destroy the world in a terrible manner if they go against him. That now makes the X-Treme team the bad guys right?

Thanks a whole hell of a lot guys. Bastards.

-- Sara