What the hell happened last time?

Ugh, I’ve blocked it from my memory. For the love of all that is Holy, please don’t force me to recap that crap.

We open the issue with three green little men sitting around a glowing console pointing at buttons. According to the narration they’re one dimension over in King Khan’s war world. Eh? They bicker on about nothing that hasn’t been POUNDED INTO OUR HEADS IN THE LAST FOUR ISSUES, and then start talking about Storm. Because Storm is perfect and beautiful and amazing and over-rated… Oops! Did I say that out loud?

Suddenly Frank from Trading Spaces shows up adding nothing to the plot, but who cares about the plot? It’s FRANK! Woohoo! I’m drooling with anticipation looking for Vern, Doug, Ty, Paige and the rest of the gang. Lets face it; King Khan’s tower can use a designer’s touch. Maybe not Doug’s though, the crew will come back to find the walls painted a fugly color and all of the floor lighting flipped upside-down screwed into the ceiling.

Speak of the devil (No, not Jerry Farwell, King Khan) he’s there looking at the blinking screens giving the boys a speech on how everything much be perfect. Like his perfect Storm. You know, with as much technology advancements as they have, the crew can’t get better outfits? Orange sweatshirts? Joan Rivers is rolling in her grave (well, she would be if she was dead). Can’t the boys are Marvel buy an issue of Cosmo for crying out loud?

King Khan wanders off thinking about his perfectly amazing Storm unaware that his royal bitches are attempting to kill her at that very moment. The little green men & Frank gush about how amazing King Khan is (but not NEARLY as amazing as Storm mind you). Hee. They look like pumpkins.

Oh thank the Lord and pass the plate. Marvel has finally made a recap page for X-Treme. Hopefully this means the overused narrative boxed will decrease by 90%. Eh, who am I kidding?

Where was I? Ah yes, royal bitches. The lot of them (ranging from a transgender Savage Dragon to a reject from Lord of the Rings to some chick with horns) attack Storm in hopes of killing her. Kids, haven’t you learned by now how perfectly amazing Storm is? You’ll never win.

See, what did I tell yeah? Storm makes short work of them as she’s bleeding badly from the side but never missing a beat. She’s not perfectly amazing for nothing!

Tessa figures out that the Storm in the detention hall is a fake Storm because… oh like I understand the logic of this title. So her & Bishop talk for a bit until Bishop finally asks her for clarification about the time she herself was in a harem. Why Bishop, you sly dog, way to win the ladies over.

Tessa happens to run into Storm, so they two of them hold hands and skip to the next plot device.

Meanwhile, Rogue attempts to use logic (how many times must I remind that logic & X-Treme X-Men are like oil & water?) on Vargas pointing out that, hello shit-for-brains, aliens are trying to take over Earth and whatever little whining he has to do can wait. Vargas has other ideas as Amy (girl, deflect from Vargas and kill Baywatch and take her place) hands him- *gasp* - one of Destiny’s diaries. Oh, you mean more nekkid pictures of Gambit? Hot damn, open the book already girlfriend!

No, it’s just a scene of Vargas & Rogue (wearing those ugly-ass glasses, gah) fighting with Rogue the victor. What’s Miss Rogue’s reaction? “This is all about the damn diaries?!?” I. Love. Rogue. Vargas declares that he won’t be bound by what Destiny has predicted so he’s going to kill Rogue. Rogue laughs, mocking his logic simply telling him that she aint gonna hurt him if his premadonna self just leaves her alone. Love. Rogue.

Rogue fires an optic blast into a broken mirror, causing Vargas, Amy & Marco to fly backwards on the asses as Neal 2.0 opens up a “warpwave” and grabs the “jaggo” (um, yeah) taking him back to his love grotto. Vargas takes his big bad sword and runs in threw Neal 2.0’s back. I… I have to repeat that again. “ Vargas takes his big bad sword and runs it through Neal 2.0’s back." That is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever had to write in the history of my reviews.

Vargas drops down into the crypt where Gambit is. You mean the issue called Final Gambit finally HAS Gambit in it? I was starting to go into withdrawal. So like the group of King Khan’s men with high-powered guns take on a dude with a sword. I’m not kidding. And Vargas wins. And I’m the Queen of France by the way.

Gambit suddenly gains telekinesis (wha?) as he pushes his charged rock (that foreshadow from a few issues back) beyond the force field towards the wall, which will cause the place to fall in on itself, thus killing Gambit. Remember, Gambit’s getting in touch with his inner martyr this arc. Vargas shows Gambit his big bad sword (sexual innuendo much?) stained with Kool-Aid. “Gambit! Make your peace!”

Baywatch, seemly has outrun the Coronal and the rest of the boys at KFC, makes her way down a hall with Bishop & Thunderbird 23 trailing behind in cloaks. *whispered voice* You’re not supposed to know it’s those two yet, shh! In any case, Miss Plot-Device-Shi’ar makes one of the cannon guard wet his pants and she forces herself into the control room. Typical battle of those three attacking the joint, the pumpkin guys run screaming into the night as I yawn. A lot.

King Khan is back in his bedroom with his hand around Jalene’s throat demanding to know where his perfectly amazing Storm is. Jalene points out that Storm was going to betray him and that they were acting out of loyalty. Give the girl points for being honest. Why does King Khan think Storm will ever want to be his? Has he taken a look at himself in the mirror lately? King Khan just snaps her neck and tells the guards to let Shaitan do whatever he wants to the royal bitches. Since he’s got a major yen for King Khan, I’m thinking he’ll just have them killed. Or possibly trade hair secrets.

Storm & Tessa find themselves by the watermains. Storm tried to freeze the water but she can’t. Aww, maybe Storm isn’t as amazingly perfect as all the annoying narrative keeps telling us.

Rogue carries a bandaged Neal 2.0 to safety as he tells her a story about how his friend was attacked by a shark. Vargas sliced the boy with his big sword. I therefore refuse to believe Neal 2.0 could have survived because that goes against every frigging thing the damn book is founded on. You can bet Psylocke is pissed that she was killed with one cut while the boy is still alive. Where’s Psylocke’s ghost when you need it?

“Sorry about this. I screwed up bad,” Neal 2.0 moans. Yes you did. DIE ALREADY!

Neal 2.0 does more self-whining and lets it slip that Vargas was dropped into the crypt where Gambit is. You’d think, oh I don’t know, maybe he should have told Rogue earlier? Die stupid boy!

Upon hearing that her boyfriend is in danger of Vargas, she reaches out using telepathy to contact him. Which is really sweet on one hand, but… why hasn’t she tried to contact him sooner? Ah, sorry, that would have added to the plot and taken away from Storm worship.

“Dat you, chere? In my thoughts now… like you’re in my soul?” Awwww!! Forgive me; I’m having a chick moment.

As Gambit pushes the rock towards the pillar he explains to her, “My li’l stone, she’s movin’! She hits dat pillar- she brings down the whole temple! It’s a good way t’-“ To what? Kill Neal 2.0? I totally agree Gambit.

As the building caves in on itself, Rogue screams (in shaky font) “REMY!” Awww!! Another chick moment. That’s two on one page!

Next up: “While I live, you don’t die!”

This issue didn’t suck. Hopefully it’ll start a trend.

-- Sara