What the hell happened last time? Baywatch got a new do, Psylocke is lurking in the shadows or something weird, and Gambit reappeared to brighten a pretty dull issue.

Never judge a book by a cover. Cause if you do, you’d assume you were about to read a good issue of X-Treme X-Men. And you’d be wrong. But I’m getting ahead of myself…

It’s Lurlene Marie Betty Sue Ann Darkholme Adler LeBeau Dayspring Grey-Summers Askani'son herself; Rogue. She’s sitting in a heap of burning rumble doing… what is she doing? She’s kinda just kicking it looking sad, like that statue “The Thinking Man.” We get another run down as usual about how her powers suck, both literally or figuratively, and that it’s a reminder bla bla bla. We all know Rogue’s deal right? Super.

In an utterly beautiful layout, we see Vargas standing over Rogue telling her it’s time to face her destiny. You know, I have nothing but praise to say about this splash. Like, there’s just nothing wrong with it all it. Perfect. Amy looks awesome, with her blades ready. But what’s the deal with her brother though? He always looks so angry. I think someone needs a hug! And this detail is so cute, how everything is on fire and the E & L of the hotel sign in the background have broken away so it reads HOT.

It’s a downward spiral (add your own Nine Inch Nail joke here) from here on out. Some reporter chick Shanna Cho is catching the world up on this whole King Khan nonsense. How the hell did they get all this info? Didn’t Tessa have to crack into the tower’s main-frame to find out in the last issue? “Intelligence reports, incredible as they sound, state that an armada will emerge from inside, to conquer first the earth and then all the heavens above.” Oy vey, I’m drowning in cheese. People all around the world look shocked, but that’s probably because the news is interrupting the Friends finale. Will Ross & Rachel hook up again? There is the kid factor now. And what about lovely goofy Joey?

The reporter continues to cheese on about the X-Men. “Many people consider mutants to be the sworn enemies of humanity.” Yeah, and it should stay that one. It’s like the one thing keeping the X-Men from being a typical superhero book. If you pick up this month’s New X-Men, you’ll see angry protesters outside the grounds but in X-Treme they’re cheering for them.

It’s King Khan again and he’s nervous. Seems like he’s never faces ANYTHING quite like the X-Men before. Have I brought up the cheese factor of this issue?

A bunch of troops talk, more Storm worship…

What the hell is Big Bird doing on deck? Oh, it’s just Baywatch. Huh? Didn’t she have dreads last issue? And a human body? I’m more amazed how her uniform still fits. And you know what’s odd, that I called it; the fact that X-Men would have to walk in with one of their members not in uniform for the “best of the best” combat troops to figure out they shouldn’t be there.

Moral lesson to learn from this issue? No matter what you look like or what different universe you’re from, the English language will bond us all.

A big fight happens. Remember in my last review I talked about how boring the end was because that group of Tessa, Bishop, Baywatch & Thunderbird 23 have absolutely no chemistry together? Surprise surprise, they’re still really damn boring together.

How did Bishop get his armor off so fast? Or Tessa for that matter. It seems I own halter-tops that have a higher difficultly level to take off.

So yeah, back to the fight. Bishop (I’d call him Mr. States-the-Obvious but in X-Treme that’s pretty much everyone) “leads” the group… which means he says “charge!” Thunderbird 23 whines as it’s the staple of his character. He could take out the guard with a plasma bolt, but it runs the risk of killing Michael Clark Duncan’s character from Planet of the Apes. One some weird level, I can respect Thunderbird 23 for not wanting to run the risk of killing someone as his neck is being crushed by this person. But he’s in the middle of a war where he’s been told they’ll have to use lethal force (they did after all just try to kill Gambit in the last issue) and he’s crying about his powers again. This makes him a terrible member of the group. His constant whining is only going to harm the group. Go home Thunderbird 23, you’ve shamed the goddess Kali.

“They don’t take kindly to pretenders. So maybe I’ll do you a kindness an’ just break your neck.” Please do! You have my blessing ape dude. Baywatch & Thunderbird 23 just drag the book down anyway.

Bishop, and his god-awful bright red gloves, beat some cannon folder people. Has anyone thought to use a gun yet? I don’t care which side anymore. And Tessa can “track the probability of their motions. Simultaneously, [she can] control [her] own body.” So it’s another power pulled out of her ass is it? *groan*

Baywatch is not only a mutant, but Shi’ar royalty to boot. Not only is she a plot device by herself, so are her parents! Miss Know-It-All Tessa never brought up Baywatch & Neal 2.0’s Shi’ar DNA before (and that sort of thing is bound to stick out to even Idiot Jeb in a blood sample) but now that it’s conveeeeeeeeeeenient to the plot, here it is.

And it’s back to Storm-worship. Thunderbird 23 whines (well duh) about leaving Storm behind, but Bishop reassures him. “Of course not, she’s family. And, we need her too much-she controls the weather. Imagine the damage she could cause inside this tower.” I have SUCH the urge to pound a blunt object into my head to make the hurting stop. Why are they worried about Storm? Isn’t Gambit their problems? Stop Gambit, stop King Khan. Again, what’s their damn hang up on her? Bishop really and truly is a terrible leader.

Neal 2.0 riding a warpwave (are you trying as hard as I am not to laugh at that term? ) surfs in, the laws of gravity be damned. He became a mutant 24 hours ago, was crying on Thunderbird 23’s shoulder 10 hours after that, and is now a FORCE TO BE RECKON WITH? I see army men with big shiny guns, why are you not shooting?!?

Back to the tower media control room (I wonder how much they like pay for cable with a set up like that) has King Khan watching Rogue & Neal 2.0 run around. “I see the boy.” King Khan is a member of the KDC club? Rock on. Some random green alien guy talks, and that’s either an alien behind him with six eyes or a back massager.

Thought that was the last of Storm-worship for an issue? No way, now we’ve gotta put up with King Khan fawning over her to his harem. Because Storm is a GODDESS. She’s so perfect and makes the world go around for everyone. Bleh. Storm flies and floats King Khan up to her. They have some card board conversation about giving in to temptation and then share some kiss in front of the moon. This is like almost a straight rip from X-Man #21 when Nate & Threnody were floating above New York. Except it was much better done in X-Man.

Threnody needs to show up in X-Treme.

Anyway, the harem leader attacks Storm (I like this chick Jalene already ) and they play Marco Polo for awhile. Oopsie! Storm gets cut and pulls herself out of the pool to find King Khan’s royal bitches hungry for her blood. As she attempts to use her powers, they go wonky on her and she zaps herself. Maybe if she wasn’t wearing so much metal…

Next up: Final Gambit!

Great, maybe he might even be in the friggin issue. “See: Gambit bound to an altar, screaming in pain for perhaps the last time!” This is why I can relate to Gambit so much, we’ve been having pretty much the same reaction to this arc.

-- Sara