What the hell happened last time?

The amazingly perfect Storm pranced about while Rogue actually did something useful that’s also interesting. Vargas threw Gambit a bit of homoerotic dialogue and took the time to cut Neal 2.0 right down his back with his big bad sword. Vargas should totally be given the rights to Earth for that.

How do you even begin to start a review summery when you’re greeted to a first page of Gambit spread-eagle in teeny tiny gray boxer-briefs with a big smile on his face? Have you ever seen anything more beautiful? Well… maybe the grace & charm of Alexis Denisof who is a masterpiece from the gods carved in flesh. Mmm.

So yeah, Gambit is there strapped to the alter and he can’t move or break free. He’s also still in those impossibly tight boxer-briefs… *slaps herself* We’re told in narration that Gambit’s a mutant (*gasp!* Ya don’t say!) and that he’s the key that will open the doorway between the worlds. But he knows if he kills himself, he’ll stop the aliens from taking Earth. Which I’m guessing would suck but really shouldn’t because King Khan makes each earth he “concurs” pleasure beyond imagination. The X-Men really are still bastards for that. Shmucks.

Suddenly Buffy charges in with her “hammer of the gods” looking to kick some Glory ass. Sorry, different show, same plot. It’s actually Rogue enjoying the view. “Remy LeBeau- are you insane?!?” Hee!

Rogue goes on to destroy all the falling debris so it doesn’t make her lover into a cajun pancake. They have their typically adorable banter but I gotta point something out really quick. “Dis guarantees a win!” “All it guarantees is your death!” “Beam’s already makin’ dat guarantee.” Yes, they really did just say ‘guarantee’ three times in a row. Quick, someone break out the banjo!

Rogue continues to try and convince Remy not to give up hope but he won’t hear none of it, I guarantee! (I had to ) I’m still trying to figure out when Gambit grew this death wish. It’s just so random. But Rogue climbs on top of him (wowza! One of the sexiest scenes I’ve seen in the X-pages) and whispers in a husky voice (okay, maybe she just said it normal but I’m regressing into my typical chick mood at the site of these two) “Ah was trapped the moment they put your life in danger.” Kiss her already Gambit! “While Ah live, you don’t die.”

We’re thrusted from the glowing warm red romantic afterglow into the cold bland blue of King Khan’s deck. Shaitan address the royal bitches still wearing Storm’s skin. I don’t even want to ask why, pick your own Jerry Springer topic. Of course something goes wrong and it’s Vargas. But didn’t he kill all the cannon fighters in the last issue when he was going to buy Gambit dinner? Whatever. So Shaitan goes to fight Vargas without even a damn weapon. Has anyone thought of a flame-thrower? Just a suggestion.

Scene change: Tweedle Dee, Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber shoot guns at something. I don’t care and I really doubt you guys do either. So Thunderbird 23 adds “Sage warned that the portal would remain intact no matter what happens to Gambit!” Huh? Since when? We’ve been told again and again (and again) that Gambit sustains the power center thingie. But that would take away from the amazingly perfect Storm’s face time wouldn’t it? Where is she anyway…?

There’s Tessa. She watches from afar as the bad guys stumble into her trap. She begins to ponder why they would make such a foolish mistake (blinded by the halo of perfection above Storm perhaps?) unless there was a reason for the distraction. King Khan, I believe that’s your cue.

King Khan lays the smack down on Tessa and ends with a blade at her throat. “Storm! I have a blade at your friend’s throat! I make this offer once- surrender- or she dies!” Oh, go on and kill her. Dell’s having a sale on computers, and let’s be real, Steven from the commercials is totally more entertaining than Tessa. “Dude, you’re getting a Dell!” Hee!

Storm (wearing… I don’t even know where to begin. It’s truly hideous and fugly all rolled into one) demands King Khan to let Tessa go. Earth to Storm, Dell’s having a sale remember? At least a labtop won’t drink out of the milk carton. Bla bla bla Storm & King Khan have a dreadfully boring conversation. Luckily, characters crash the party and… no, I take that back, it’s just Baywatch, Thunderbird 23 and Bishop.

Storm. King Khan. Fight. Zzz.

Tessa, Bishop, Baywatch & Thunderbird 23 fight even more cannon fighters. One of them breaks a pipe which causes water to spill out and turn the compound into water world. Storm, like, drowns or something. Tessa demands they go after Storm but everyone else basically informs her that’s a stupid plan. Ah logic, how I’ve missed you. Thunderbird 23 even slaps her upside the head for being such an idiot.

We’re jumping back to Vargas who runs Shaitan threw with his sword. *sniff* I liked the little guy. He turns his attention to Rogue who’s still laying on Gambit. Gambit tells her to bail but it seems she’s as stuck as Gambit. Again, how? I thought Gambit was immobile because he was “chained” down. Whatever. Poor Rogue has been dealt a double whammy it seems. Not only is she stuck on top of Gambit (she makes it sound like a bad thing *g*) but all of her powers have dried up. Ohmygawd, don’t tease me. Are we FINALLY done with that stupid Skrull crap storyline for Rogue? “We’re in this together!” Awww!

My only complaint with the above scene is that Gambit’s hair length keeps changing from panel to panel. It’s short, it’s long! It’s short, it’s long! And the poor guy has lockjaw.

Spiderman and Wolverine enjoy a friendly game of cards. It seems Wolverine is getting pretty good since he’s been practicing with Gambit all week. Spiderman looks shocked. “Gambit? Man, I wouldn’t let him within ten feet of my recharge deck!” Wolverine asks why as the cards in his hand blow up. “That’s why.” Bwahaha!!! Wow, that was really funny and totally cute! What’s that doing in X-Treme X-Men? Oh, because it’s an ad for Perpetual Comics by Chris Giarrusso. I was wondering why it was so entertaining.

More Storm/King Khan fight. Lots of water and trite chit-chat. Could they get more stale?

King Khan flees to his base as Storm drowns in the water thinking that it’d be a good time for a guardian angel to show up. Don’t look excited folks, it aint Warren Worthington the 3rd. Just Baywatch. Blah.

Thunderbird 23 and Tessa talk by the portal (um… isn’t Gambit the portal?) and Tessa admits that Storm means something to her. Ohhhhh, this is actually pretty interesting! Heh, just wait til Storm finds out, her reaction is going to be priceless!

The Mediocre Gang (If you’re not keeping track that’s Storm, Baywatch, Tessa, Thunderbird 23 & Bishop) all jump into the portal and make it out somewhere else. Tessa: “Khan will undoubtedly count on the immense mass of his vessel, and its own internal compensators to balance the power load while he bulls his way clear.” Storm: “That’s the key then.” I thought Gambit was the key… oh I give up. I guess following the actual storyline is a bad thing to do.

“From Thunderbird comes the searing fire of the sun itself.” Ugh, I’m rolling my eyes.

“From Bishop, pulses of force, like the hammer blows of a god.” Again, rolling my eyes.

“From Storm, who in her day has been called a goddess, lightning that which shaped the newborn world.” If this keeps up my eyes are gonna get permanently stuck like this.

Whatever, they win. Don’t look shocked.

Baywatch whines that she still has wings and she still doesn’t feel like her old self. Honey, you had wings before this damn arc started. As for the alien thing, I hate that plot device more than you do. At least your hair is starting to go back to blond. Thunderbird 23 declares “We beat him!” ‘We’ Neal? As memory serves, you didn’t do anything but whine about your moral issues.

Unfortunately, it seems Neal 2.0 didn’t die and is still very much alive. Thunderbird 23: “My glasses are picking up something down in the crypt. Something’s happened. Something awful.” What can be worse than the fact Thunderbird 23, Neal 2.0 & Baywatch are all still among the living?

…

…

Huh, okay maybe I spoke too soon. I should have been more clear when I said I wanted a scene of Rogue & Gambit all romantic sleeping together. I didn’t imply that VARGAS’ BIG BAD SWORD SHOULD BE THROUGH THEM! Still, Gambit always wanted to die in between Rogue’s thighs. Oh come on, you were all thinking it…

Next issue: La Suerte de Matar!

Um, English please?

-- Sara